Writer in Poway, California
I've come to find that life is best enjoyed in pairs. I'm independent,
cultured, and strong willed, but watching the sunrise wrapped in the arms
of someone you truly care about is priceless and underrated. I'm a Pisces;
I'm a romantic; I'm searching for my soul mate. Why, so often, are we
afraid to say that we desire a relationship. "Love is like oxygen, Love
lifts us up where we belong, All we need is love". My twenties are nearly
over, and I'd like to share a few of the lessons I've learned through this
period of my life. I've learned that people usually aren't meant to be in
our lives forever. I've learned that the harder we try to hold onto
something we think we need, the more elusive it becomes. I've learned that
it's good medicine to laugh, and strong men do cry. When I was 23, I had
the privilege of studying abroad for a year. Vienna chose me first.
Vienna, Austria changed my life. For the first time, being gay seemed to
be a feasible possibility for me. People were different there, yet still
so much the same. Living outside the "land of the free" allowed me to
breath easier. I didn't feel the pressure any longer of striving to
maintain a "straight" Christian" identity. I was young, I was naive, and
yet so open to the possibility of love. I've always been open to love.
I've tried at times not to be. When you love easily, and wear your heart
on your sleeve, you become vulnerable and are prone to heart break. I had
my heart broken by young men in my twenties often. The tears that followed
helped me to heal.
After my time in Vienna came to an end, sure enough, more tears. I had
fallen in love with a beautiful 21 year old Austrian man, and I would miss
him with my whole heart. His name was Wolfi. Unknowingly, I was learning
the price and reward of moving on. After Vienna, I chose to study abroad
in Beijing, China. I began to develop a craving for culture shock, and I
intuitively knew that China would satisfice that yearning. Perhaps, I
thought, my soul mate wasn't in Europe after all, maybe he was waiting for
me in China. Apart from my studies in Mandarin and Sino-American
relations, I traveled to Tibet, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Xian, and an array of
other Chinese cities. My life had changed.
I also fell in love in China, but this time with my American roommate,
Chris. I've never told anyone that I was/am in love with him, but I'm
sharing this with you. Chris and I became great friends. We'd skateboard
the streets of China for hours, we'd watch episodes of The Wonder Years
until we fell asleep, and we smoked and drank A LOT. Chris is straight and
currently in law school. He will always hold a piece of my heart. Maybe
one day I'll have the courage to tell him how much I love him.
I've been back in my hometown for two years now and it's only gotten
harder. I still suffer, to a degree, from "reverse culture shock". How
could San Marcos, California compare to the euphoria I experienced in
Europe and Asia. I long to return to the world.
Simply, I'm ready for my soul mate. I believe that Wolfi and Chris were
stepping stones to the man I will ultimately spend the rest of my life
with. I have an impenetrable faith in Jesus; He's always been by my side.
When I walk through dark alleys in unfamiliar places, I'm really never
alone. It's hard to put this into words, but I want Jesus and a male soul
mate. I want Jesus to bless this relationship. My twenties opened me up
to the possibility, at last.
Well, that's a brief story of life in and out of my twenties. I'd like to
celebrate my 30th birthday on March 1, 2013 with my boyfriend. I've never
actually had a "boyfriend", but I know that I am ready and waiting for
him. He is kind. He thinks my imperfections make me even more beautiful.
He's been waiting for me too.
I plan on starting a support group in North County San Diego for Gay
Christians. There are so many that just need to know, you aren't alone.
I'm here and I won't stop until my mission is complete. I am searching for
the man who would like to stand by me, believe in my dreams, hold me in his
arms, cry with me, and laugh endlessly with me. Until later, God Bless.